Friday, February 18, 2005

biscocho, orange cinnamon tea and the excitement in domestic life

my legs are killing me. i've just gotten home from the up-diliman fair and the first thing i did out of blind impulse was to go straight to the shower. the line-up of the performers was good, actually. they had kitchi nadal, spongecola, sugarfree, imago and a lot more.

i snuck my sister out of the house; told my parents that i was just going to see my college friend who happened to be my sister's high school friend. i let her handle the wheel and i swear it took us hours to cover my usual five-minute drive. sometimes, it helps to live vicariously through others, those others who still have rules to break. i remember how it was like--having the power to shock the hell out of my parents for doing stuff that should not be done.

everytime i leave the house, i'd tell my parents that i'm just going to a coffee shop with some friends. well, being myself, sometimes this is true, sometimes it's a lie. i don't think it still matters to them, where i really am going. the concern now is if i'll be coming back home still with the things i left the house with. the car, for instance. this, of course, is beside the point. i always tell them that i'm just going to a coffee house, specifically in one of those along katipunan ave. but my mother knows me well enough to know that i'm not a coffee drinker for she made sure that none of her fold would be. she has this aversion to caffeine and once she told me when she saw me making coffee for myself that she knew that i was only after the creamer anyway and she would really prefer that i just ate coffeemate from the spoon.

me: i'll be back by twelve (noon tomorrow. harhar) just going to katipunan. some coffee shop to meet friends.

mommy: you always go out for coffee. too much caffeine's bad for your nerves.

me: no, ma i only have tea (english breakfast harhar)

mommy: okay. but if you're just having tea, i have lots of tea here at home.

me: bleh i don't want your ginseng-shit

mommy: no, i have all sorts of tea.

me: bye.

mommy: oh why do you keep on leaving at night...

me: do you love me enough to give me money?

mommy: that's the problem with you. you can't seem to stay here...always out...and i don't want you out there. you do the things i don't want you to do and you ask money from me to pay for these things.

me: fine. goodbye.

mommy: wait. get my bag. how much do you need?


actually, ladies and gentlemen, tea also has caffeine. english breakfast has more caffeine in it than your usual coffee. and we always have coke and whatever softdrinks during sunday lunch--but of course i never let my mother realize this cos i adore coca-cola and a sudden ban of it will just kill me, rob me of my reason to wake up during sundays.

maybe my mom just has this secret crusade to topple the coffee manufacturing industry.

whatever. so today, i decided to rummage through her teabags. just for the sake of doing something new, i wanted to have tea in my room, light my aroma therapy candles and play world music and hire an erotic masseur, although lack of funds required of me to abandon this last want. so what i did instead was i stole one of my mom's bags of biscocho. she's been hiding these bags from me. everyone in the house knows how i am with food stuff: what i see, i open; what i open, i finish. they never leave food lying in the house cos they won't see it again. they keep it in their lockers, their safes, their toilets. they keep them in places where i won't see them. anyway, these bags of biscocho were from bacolod, she said, and i found them hidden behind the gummie bears. i normally would have gotten the bagt of gummy bears instead but since i couldn't have erotic pleasure, i was to take pleasure in finishing off something someone's been hiding from me, something someone's been saving for herself.

bam! pleasure.

it's been quite difficult to find pleasure lately since i find myself doing the same things everyday. that's why lately, i have been trying to create a new pattern in my everyday life. Besides the usual sleep-eat rhythm i had for so long tried hard to maintain, i have just tryied to squeeze more activities to my usual itenirary. for one, i've been trying to cook, incorporate some physical activities to awaken my senses (i've been swimming, actually. but i couldn't do more than six laps! haha) and i've been trying to put more discipline to my writing.

truth be told, i'm kinda thankful i have not been asked to report for my job yet.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

i find myself most vulnerable during the wee hours of the morning. during this time, everyone i can think of calling, texting or yahoomessengering with would already be alseep, having sex, drunk or drugged. being awake, sober, partnerless and in a state lucid interval, i find myself alone to swallow all these things that i choose to chew. insignificant stuff mostly. things that do not matter to anyone else but to myself unless there is someone out there who cares that much for me.

during the day, everyone's at work.

i find myself in another low period in my life. for one thing, i am literally on hold. the worst part is that i do not feel empowered to actually act on this. i am also too weak and tired. i cannot get myself to be the me who's been through everything that kept me whole all these years.

no, i am not commiting suicide. and yes, i want to bounce back into the blogging scene. maybe one of these days, i will post something worth reading.