the fat complex


i am fat. i know i am fat. i am okay with that. is there an unwritten rule that says that fat people should feel bad about being fat? if there is, i am really resenting the fact that each and every friend that i have failed to tell me about it.

i just had a nice conversation with bamboozle. bamboozle misled me to think that he was sensible. he was able to carry an enjoyable conversation, alright. i actually had fun. but everything melted when he refused to believe that i was comfortable with myself.

bamboozle: sorry, i was thinking with my other head. the one down there.

me: it's ok. all men think with that head. i understand.

bamboozle: hah! you're one of the 6,000,000 who thinks that i'm a man.

me: why? are you a woman? (i was getting ready to leave.)

bamboozle: trapped in a man's body.

me: oh sorry. i don't go with that school of thought. i'm a man. i'm a man who happens to go for other men.

bamboozle: ooh sorry ateneo boytoy (he's not from ateneo and he loves to tease me simply because i am). im not that sophisticated. earth to venus. that's where you vain people are from.

me: i don't impose that on other people. that's how i see myself you dumdum. well, i am vain, alright. and im okay with that cos that keeps me looking gorgeous.

bamboozle: how much do you weigh again?

me: 190 lbs, give or take.

bamboozle: fat.

me: yes. i am fat.

bamboozle: i'm sorry, really. am i making you talk about something you don't want to talk about?

me: no, it's okay. i'm comfortable with myself. if i could only frame myself and hang it on a gallery wall, i would have already done so a long time ago. oops, i may have already, wait lemme check. (to those who know me, i'm sure you know that i was serious about this.)

bamboozle: it's just that i can't reconcile how you could be fat and vain at the same time.

me: it's easy. i've encountered zero difficulties so far.

bamboozle: i have a friend who's also from ateneo. he's just like your height and built. he used to be 240 lbs but he's now down to 160 lbs! he's so hot, but he's my friend.

me: 240?! (did i not just say that im 190? is 190 and 240 lbs considered to be similar nowadays? 240 lbs. is like barney!)

bamboozle: oh sorry if i gave the unneeded info just to make you feel bad about yourself. i really am.

me: why should that make me feel bad?

bamboozle: i'm really sorry.

me: i also know people who lost weight y'know. can we stop dwelling on my weight issue? i have friends to bother me with that.

bamboozle: i'm really sorry.

me: i'm sorry too. (i'm sorry for you. die.)

while i am aware that i have an eating disorder of some sort, it doesn't mean that i have issues with how i look. i believe that i have made enough friends--real ones, close ones--for me to be actually be bothered with such a confidence issue.

just the other night, my friends dragged me to a chinese restaurant (it was 2am) and we wolfed up everything we craved for. while we did so, i complained about having put on weight. it was fun. but i digress.

what really irks me is that bamboozle (he doesn't deserve his real name so i took the liberty of giving him one that perfectly suits him) is not an isolated case. i know that fat people are categorized as fat because they are expected to lose the "excess" baggage. (i am all for that. the few time i lose some weight--i seem to do so every summer, for reasons obscure to me-- i find it easier to move.) fat people are categorized as fat because they could look better.

a lot of fat people out there are ashamed for being fat. have you ever considered the possibility that perhaps they are ashamed because you expect them to be?

posted by carl @ 3:12 AM