parang sweepstakes, ang hirap manalo...(pasintabi sa eraserhaeads)


i am real.

i feel my heart being torn apart. i feel the urge to say bad things about a certain person, but do not find bad things to say about him.

tonight, i made a gamble. i was just having some drinks with peachy and missy. i've always told missy how much i wanted to go through a chase. again. i missed going after someone, or having someone go after me. (in this case, i went after someone.) i guess this is childish of me, because most people would aspire for something that would in fact transpire after a chase--most people would aspire for the moment when that chase would finally be over, because they'd finally end up being with someone. i aspired for the chase itself.

i won't be ashamed to name this guy. mike. (a generic name, anyway. a generic name, which for so long meant an undescribable feeling in my stomach.) this is the guy i decided to chase. in a day when i've just found out how inadequate i measure with regards to alot of things which involved my newfound life in up, where a lot of people i do not know hate me, (i never knew being an atenean could constitute so much of me...and that this could be taken against me; and that it has become a popular belief among people unknown to me that i could not write to save my life) i decided to finally bring fourth the climax to this chase. "are you free for lunch on Tuesday," i sent him a text message.

"i'm not the type of guy you bring to lunches. i don't even eat lunch. :) :) :)"

a text message which meant so many things at the same time, but ultimately, it concluded a chase. i do believe that at this point, i have the right to be bitter; a bitterness which must not violate mike in any way. i liked him(and in fact still do) for a valid reason. i must try to respect his decision. and i must hold on to that part of myself whom at least thought i did deserve him...that part of myself who ventured out and got rejected.

i am just sad.

a chase just ended. a part of me is telling me that i have after all acheived what a chase normally gives off: freedom. i know myself more, and that i have learned heaps. as the cliche goes: what does not kill you makes you stronger.

but this sadness, and fear that i may grow old alone prevails. i cannot be blamed for being scared. maybe for being fat, but not for being scared. and sad.

and i cannot blame myself for fearing the next time i get to see mike face-to-face.

posted by carl @ 3:07 AM