i discourage you to read this. this is a self-serving therapy session disguised as a blog entry.

"...i don't think you know me. i don't think even i know me. if you ask me who i am, i'd probably say 'when?' we die every moment. we always change." --dr. jb schriever

my saturday morning found me busy trailing away from the rather heavy lecture. i cannot even begin to describe how weird it was to be discussing how one man mourned (or still mourn) for his friends who have passed away before he does. (apparently, he is still alive) according to him, every friendship is built upon the presupposition that one will go before the other. and mourning is actually a reflexive thing. it's letting the world into one's relationship with someone, and that someone has left this world and will now only be in this world through that of his self in the one mourning.

well, who ever said that friendship is a simple thing.

but i digress. last saturday was a rather painful day. its nothing dramatic or anything. its just that i felt that i just wanted to reorganize my life a little. i have been sensitive lately and every little thing around me seems to be able to catalyze emotional reactions from me. i will not be ashamed that the ultimate trigger that finally caused me to fall from my rather lofty sense of self is the movie spiderman. (in a previous post, i have already confessed how film has strange effect on me.) i am not ashamed because the film inspired me. anything would have inspired me, and people get inspirations from the simplest (and cheesiest things) but perhaps the thing that should be ashamed about is not being inspired at all.

i didn't know where to start, and i didn't know where i wanted to go. i just felt that i was doing everything wrong at that point and that doing everything in another way could only possibly be a better way. MY LIFE IS A MOVIE. and one thing i realized is that it has no substantial solo scenes. i have associated the meaning of enjoyment with interaction. i have always paused for a while and thought that i wish (and in fact know) that things should be better. afterwards, i always choose to drown that moment with booze. i have always realized that my life is a blah. and continue to live it like so.

maybe we all get this sometimes. as human beings in this generation, most of us are bound to suffer from the curse of discontentment. and it is actually this discontentment that keeps us walking around in circles. but its actually time to walk towards somewhere.

i lied, i am not sixteen, i am twenty-two. and i have to get somewhere before i die.

everything i have said above is vague. in fact, i have acknowledged in the first line that this is nothing but a bunch of self-serving run-on sentences that seem to serve as nothing but as mental masturbation. and i apologize for having you read all that, if ever you still are reading up to this point. i chose to conceal too many details that any prospect of this entry to pass any formalist reading is as far as mars is to the galaxy nebula. but i continue to yap:

some hours before i typed this, i got to talk to javs.

javs: you know it's too late. i know you too well.

charlie: the human spirit does not thrive on success but on trying.

perhaps its too late and i am forever stuck to live this way: a twenty-two year old who does not know what it is that he truly wants in life. i will probably forever scrimp on my parents' dwindling estate and die not having anything to speak for. i don't take it against him that he thinks that its too late for me to change the way i live my life, cos if it was me whom i was talking to, and if i also knew myself the way he knew me, i'd probably say the same. but what came out of my mouth in response shocked me. i don't know where the hell i got that, or how the fuck i figured that out. i guess i am hoping.

if i die every moment i am hoping that i keep on reincarnating into a better version.

posted by carl @ 12:26 AM