as damp as the weather

these days, whenever people ask me how i am, i go on suspended animation mode. it depends upon the situation: my thumb collapses on the "back" option key; i suddenly drop the receiver; or i suddenly fall silent.

i've always been the emperor of small talk but the truth is i just don't know how to address the question. so let me answer it in as much ways as this freetime can allow.

how are you, charlie?
well, i always tell myself i'm bored. actually, i'm just lazy to do anything. so i end up believeing that there's nothing to do even if there's tons of things to be finished.

how are you, charlie?
i'm living in my bed, only getting up to eat or to intoxicate myself. i've been drinking every night even before i went to galera, and it reached the point where i stopped caring whether with whom ar what im drinking just as long as i end up falling into deep slumber and wake up the following lunchtime still with my socks on, choking on my own drool.

how are you charlie?
i'm actually lost. i'll get back to you on that once i find myself.

but honestly , i have been thinking about things. (i'm terribly sorry if this entry is getting to be too long, but forgive me as i havent posted for an entire week. but you shouldn't stop reading here, trust me, cos this is the part where i actually start to make sense--there's always a first time to everything.) out of all these things, i choose to elaborate on the query "what makes a man gay?"

i have always believed gay men are simply men falling in love with other men. i was just having lunch with my best friend, mickey, and another friend, steve, the other day, and they were filling me up about the latest buzz in the gay scene, from which i have been detached (not that i was ever enmeshed). then it suddenly dawned on me: why do these men (those who incidentally fall in love with other men) choose to make life so complicated?

i love straight boys. i love talking to them (talking, not flirting), hanging with them, getting drunk with them. someday i will be like them. when boys fight, they just do. there's none of this "taking sides" and shit. after punching each other in the parking lot, there won't be any more backstabbing. life is simple.

life is all about ejaculation.

and i wonder why there is a line between straight boys and gay boys at all. because as far as i'm concerned, im a boy who falls for boys, not anything else. everything else (my fashion and shit) is arbitrary. i still could've chosen to look decent even if i fell for girls.

posted by carl @ 11:03 PM