peter pan travels through time too

peter pan travels through time too

like what i have said, when everything seems to be going steady, you will create problems for yourself.

you choose your own bat, and love is usually the weapon of choice. you whack yourself on the head...an impact so great not even a keg of red horse would have smashed you as much. you say the wrong things (and you find yourself to be the only one talking), you over-share, you extend interaction to an alarmingly pathetic degree and you wallow by yourself afterwards, cursing your own existence to the high heavens.

but an alternative weapon would be nostalgia. nostalgia plus trouble-shooting. you stand back, squint at yourself and scrutinize things you know you will never be able to change anymore anyway. but you put your life on a pause all the same. you put off your jacques derrida reading time and lie on your back, stare at the ceiling and let your mind drift to creases of a so-called past. "i used to be...," "how could have i been so...," "what the fuck happened...?!"

this, i think, is a form of time travel. i remember madeleine l'engle's a wrinkle in time and the concept of tesseract. the tesseract is actually another interpretation of hyperspace--you fold space and walk right through it. and that's what you basically do with time when you wallow on daydreams in the middle of an academic war. you fold time and walk right through it. time is movement through space, as sci10 had sufficiently nagged me into believing, and when you forego of all the things you could have accomplished in a certain span of time, it's as good as walking right through time itself, with only that empty fold to look back to.

and in the exact instance you wake up, when you stare blankly at your readings with its pages unturned, you realize that you have done an about-face to take a peak backwards in your life. you stare at that wrinkle in time, that small crack of non-productivity which you will hide behind the word "reflection"... and that's when you'll know:

"oh my god, i'm not growing."

posted by carl @ 2:39 AM