a new season has begun

indeed it pays to know history a little more. had i just memorized the dates shoved up my arse when i was still in grade school, then i would probably know that today is independence day and i wouldn't have woken bloody early to troop to an empty campus.

today was supposed to be my first day of class with miss schriever (the name amuses me so much i had to make an excuse to post it.). european literature. but today, technically speaking, should have been my second day in grad school. last tuesday, i attended science fiction and fantasy fiction writing workshop with no substantial background in the mode/genre. sticking to the customs of first sessions, mr. flores asked all of us to introduce ourselves and give our background in science fiction and fantasy. whilst my classmates marveled at c.s. lewis, ray bradbury and madeleine l'engle, as testament to my life as a semi-ditz, this is what i had to say:

me: i'm charlie. i don't really have a strong background in this mode or genre, and i must admit that most influences that i have in sci-fi and fantasy come from pop-cultural sources. ((in other words, hollywood. but of course i had to find a more erudite way to say this.)) ummm...i've read harry potter...

mr. flores: the latest one?

me: oh, all five books! ((con mucho enthusiasm, the words were so perky and solid, they felt like a badge of honor which i wore with my chest thrusted forward. but i realized that this was not half as impressive as an imbecile balancing an egg on his open palm, so much to my mortification, my mouth kept on yapping...)) but my friends have been, for a long time, egging me to read neil gaiman. and oh, i have the tolkien books but i haven't read them yet. one of these days, i will.

fabulous. my last statement really completed it. i felt icy, dart-glances launch towards my direction. not only have i presented how elementary my reading list is, but i have also successfully drawn attention to what i am missing out. to what i deprive myself of. for obvious reasons, i resolved to remain silent during the next three hours.

aside from my being an academic klutz, the state university has also given me a fresh view on how i really fare in this world.


i am
alone
.


there. i have never been so poetic in my life, and although the image presented is not as subtle as good poetry customarily comes with, i feel that the line cuts and wording just about captures the foolishness this insight arises from. don't get me wrong, please. i am so overwhelmingly happy for having been allowed this chance to work on my writing skills. i may not want to be a writer, but i find myself writing anyway. so i just want to make it right.

but my reasons, no matter how defensive, stupid or (dare i say) valiant they may be, do not buffer the circumstance at hand: this is the first time i have ever been new in school (prep school excluded). i am a bonafide freshman in this place. lost. lonely. clueless. for hours, i stand in front of the bulletin boards, letting my gaze crawl slowly across the clutter of papers. "wanted male boarder." "nice korean here wanting to make friend." yes, i pretend to be reading the announcements because i have nothing else to do while waiting for my class. (apparently, according to a foreign classmate, UP teachers are notorious for being late. we were waiting for thirty minutes then, and in my building, benches have apparently been outdated. who needs a bench if you have a floor?! and he goes on to saying that *some teacher* is the worst. apparently, thirty minutes is not worst.)

but this morning saw a different scene. i needed not to pretend to be reading the announcements because of a variety of reasons:
1) there was no one there. an activity was not necessary to shield myself from appearing to be alone.
2) i need not be there. today is a bloody holiday and i can't forgive myself for not knowing this.
3) my brain was just fried.

so now, im here in holiday inn, robbing internet time.

wishing this country happy independence day, and at the same time wishing myself for the day i become independent from all these "new boy in school" hang-ups.

posted by carl @ 10:55 AM