i feel like shit

i am unemployed. results for my graduate studies application is yet to be disclosed. no matter what angle i present, i will always come out as somebody who has nothing better to do. i shall waste my time then, you can always count on that. my time and my parents' hard-earned money, which they have earned by fixing other peoples' mouths.

(they are both dentists, and i have two beautifull sisters--both of whom are taking up dentistry. even denstists have social events. my dad had thrown parties in the grand ballroom of manila hotel and this is what he had to say to his colleagues:

daddy: pare! these are my children, cecilia and camille. they are both taking up dentistry. and this is my eldest and only son, ...(to me)anak, what are you taking me up again?
me: communication arts.
{my father and his colleague exchanges bewilderd looks and then shrug.)
me: it's just like masscom, except that the scope is wider. i'm studying in ateneo.
the bastard my father was talking to: oh good, hijo. good school. when the three of you grow old enough, you will be counting your sisters' money.

bastards. i will die a pauper, but i will always be the pauper who fought for the course he trully wanted to take up. i will never forget how i slid down my bedroom door, crying. "daddy, i don't want to be a dentist.")

but this entry is not about the path i chose in life. it is merely an introduction, if not a digression. it establishes how my decisions throw shit my way. it destroys my capacity as a person who goes for certainty that life could possibly offer. yes, i want to be wealthy someday, and by choosing art, i have effectively unchose money and security. and i shall further discredit myself. for the past week, besides getting drunk, i have turned myself into a groupie.

i am human.

i get attracted to people. i swoon, i fret, and i blush over another person. i become stupid. stupid enough to actually follow some rising acoustic singers' career and spend money on bars just to be able to catcth his performance.

tonight, i have done the unthinkable. and if there are groupies out there, you must learn from my mistake. i have just turned myself into the undesirable--i bought his cd. maybe i've grown too accustomed of him looking at my direction. he would smile at me, wink and goddam wave. he would talk to me in between sets. how could he not? i have given up my goddam makati nightlife to stay within range of quezon city just to catch the crock of shit he blurts out on the microphone. goddamit, i don't even listen to his genre.

now, i'm stuck with his cd. the dedication on the sleeve is as hollow as the the malinta tunnel in corregidor: historic, yet empty. i have bought his cd, and after that he never looked my way again: i am yesterday's news. i have turned myself from target audience to "sold."

thanks to my stupidity, my sister's cd collection had grown bigger with one more cd.

posted by carl @ 2:32 AM